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Chapter Fifteen
Ayla pulled her car over to the side of Glen Road, and laid her arms across the wheel, resting her head. Hot tears began to slide from her closed eyes.
Yet one more fight. She had been right that he was acting like a jerk. She probably shouldn’t have said it, but how could she not? He was pushing her buttons, pushing her away. How could he think there was something going on between her, and Jared, the guy temporarily replacing him? Was he serious? Did he really think she would cheat on him?
He’s not in his right mind, a little voice said. You know that. He’s stoned out of it half the time and he’s only getting worse.
She lifted her head and wiped her eyes, looking around. With a sinking heart, she realized she had no idea where she was. She hadn’t been paying attention as she drove down the narrow road.
Climbing out of her car, she looked at the trees. Heart sinking, she crawled into the car and found her cell phone, but it had no signal. Tossing it on the seat in disgust, she leaned against her car. If she got lucky and started walking she might end up at Mr. Maypenny’s. But that would be a big stroke of luck. If she could find one of the trails, it would eventually lead back to the stables.
But again, that would be a big stroke of luck. And these days, her luck just wasn’t that good.
The sun had started to set when heard an approaching vehicle. She waited anxiously as it drew louder and closer, and then she saw Dan on his motorcycle. He pulled up to her and removed the large, heavy helmet he never rode without.
“Bit lost?” he asked cheerfully.
She smiled at him sadly. He had no idea.
“Something like that,” she murmured.
“Let me guess. Uncle Bill was being an ass again.”
“Got it in one,” Ayla tried to sound pleased and failed miserably.
“I think,” Dan leaned against the car, “that’s it time we take some action.”
“Such as?” Ayla asked.
“Intervention.”
Her eyes widened slightly. “Seriously?”
“Yep,” he said firmly. “I think it’s time we force him into rehab. This has gone too far. Matt’s out of the country, and I don’t think we should bring Trixie and Honey into this, so it’ll probably just be you and me. I’d suggest Tom and Celia but from what I understand, Uncle Bill hasn’t seen much of them lately.”
Ayla shook her head. “They know something’s wrong but they’re out of town for the next week, on vacation.”
Dan ran his hand through the thick hair. “Then it’s you and me.”
Ayla swallowed. “I hate the idea, Dan, but you’re probably right.”
***
Regan stared at his nephew and girlfriend.
“You want me to do what?” he demanded, feeling the anger swelling rapidly in his chest.
“We think you have a problem, Uncle Bill,” Dan said calmly. “You’re addicted to the painkillers, and it has to stop.”
Regan’s face was bright red. “Who the hell do you think you are, boy, to tell me I have a problem? You come over here under the pretense of dinner and stage some sort of ridiculous, spontaneous intervention because you think I have a problem?” His hands clenched into fists as his voice rose.
“Bill-”
“And you!” Furious, he turned to Ayla. “You nag me to death, treat me like a small child, fuss over me like a hen and then nag me some more! I’m not a child, so stop treating me like one!”
Ayla flinched at his raised voice.
“Uncle Bill, just stop for a minute and listen,” Dan intervened quickly. “Your mood swings are out of control. I know you wouldn’t normally speak-”
“You don’t know a damn thing about this, Dan!” Regan shouted. “I can’t ride; some days I can barely walk. I’m in constant agony, I’ve got this nagging nursemaid and you in my face every time I turn around-neither of you understand! I’ve lost my life! Do you know what it’s like to watch the business you love and built, the only thing you’ve ever created, be run by someone else? I can’t even lift a damn saddle! I can’t be on my feet long enough to give any of them a good brushing! You have no idea what that’s like!”
Dan swallowed, forcing himself to remain calm despite his uncle in his face. “No, I don’t. But I don’t like the way you’ve been acting. You’ve gone beyond grumpy and into full blown mean and nasty. You upset Ayla on a daily basis and you’re generally behaving like an ass. This rehab center has a thirty day outpatient program-”
“I’m not going to rehab, Dan! I don’t need to!” Anger throbbed in his temples. What the hell was going on? Intervention? Rehab? What was his nephew thinking?
“Bill, we’re worried-”
“Will you shut up?” he yelled, turning to Ayla, his green eyes wild. “Just shut up and sit your fat ass down!”
He regretted the words before they even came out but he couldn’t stop himself. Dan’s jaw hit the floor. Ayla’s eyes popped open, and then filled with tears.
“Ayla, Cupcake, I’m sorry-” Regan started to speak, but she turned and fled, the door slamming shut behind her.
“You asshole!” Dan turned to his shocked uncle.
“I never meant-I didn’t mean?oh God.” Regan moved to go after her, but Dan stepped in front of him, shoving his slightly bigger uncle backwards and against the wall, his dark eyes flashing with fury.
Before the accident Regan might have stood a chance to wrestle his nephew down. In his weakened state he was definitely no match for the lean, trained young policeman.
“You idiot, you’ve done enough. Now do you see what the hell the problem is?”
“Move, Dan, I need to talk to her!”
“You’ll go through me,” he snarled, his dark eyes flashing.
Regan’s drug-dilated eyes, widened. “What is this? Why are you siding with her so much? Since when did you become her protector?”
“Because she deserves a hell of a lot better than what you’re giving her!”
Regan suddenly laughed. “You think you can give her better,” he said. “You’ve got the hots for her!”
“Don’t be stupid,” Dan snapped, hating the fact his uncle was right. He did have feelings for Ayla.
“You do,” Regan said, slowly, the lightbulb going on over his head. “You’ve been defending her, you’re always hanging about, she runs to you to cry-you’re in love with my girlfriend!”
“I am not!” Dan growled his gritted teeth, grateful that wasn’t a lie. Attracted yes, in love with, no. “But she’s a really cool lady and you have no right to treat her the way you do! She’s been nothing but kind and generous and loving to you, and you’ve been nothing but an asshole for months!”
Regan laughed harshly. “Danny, you think a boy like you can satisfy her? She needs a real man, not a kid in a cop uniform.”
“She might need a man, Uncle Bill, but you’re failing miserably at it right now, can’t you see that? Can’t you see how you’re breaking her heart?” Dan demanded.
“No wonder the women like you,” Regan mused. “You talk all pretty and emotional with them. What have you been doing with my girl, besides talking?” he growled suddenly.
“Nothing. She’s completely devoted to you, you numbskull!”
“Get out of my way, boy, I’m going to go find her and talk some damn sense into her.”
Dan roughly turned his uncle by the shoulders and leaned his arm across his uncles’ chest, effectively pinning him against the wall, and not caring if it caused pain when Regan audibly groaned. “You’ve said enough. Take another step and I swear, Uncle Bill, I’ll deck you. As it is, I’m cuffing you. You want to take a swing? Be my guest. You’re weak as a newborn kitten right now, and I’ve taken down bigger men than you.” Dan reached into his pocket despite Regan’s protests and Regan felt the cold metal bracelets snap onto his wrists. “We’re going, now. You’re going to admit yourself and waive the self checkout. You aren’t leaving until you’re clean and sober.”
“You can’t do this, Dan, I’m an adult!”
“Then start acting like one, you arrogant sonuvabitch!” Dan slapped his uncle upside the head. “Do you have any idea what you just did to the woman of your dreams? You’ve been slowly destroying her for weeks now with those snide little comments and you just struck below the belt. How dare you call her a fat ass!”
“I didn’t mean to,” Regan whispered. “I didn’t, Danny Boy. I love her. I don’t know why I said that. I love everything about her.”
“You have a damn weird way of showing it,” Dan gripped his uncle by the shoulder of his shirt. “Now come on. You’re going to do this my way, or else I’ll make a few phone calls, including one to Matt Wheeler to tell him what’s been happening. You can forget me spinning it in anyway, he’s going to know the cold hard truth, and I mean every detail.”
“Don’t involve Matt in this,” Regan said weakly.
“Then you’re checking yourself in. And you better pray to God that Ayla decides to forgive you, or you’re going to become one lonely old man, because no one else will put up with your shit!” Dan snarled, not pointing out that Matt was going to have to know something, regardless.
“Can I pack at least?”
“And give you the opportunity to stash some pills? Forget it. I’ll bring you clothes later. Now move.”
***
Ayla didn’t know where to go. She drove aimlessly, again not paying attention to the turns of Glen Road, and by the time she stopped, she had no clue where she was. Glen Road wasn’t that long, she had thought, but she had turned a few times and now all she saw was a lonely country road and darkness and trees. And it didn’t look like where she had ended up the other day.
Shutting the engine off, she took a deep breath and the tears came, flooding down her face and scalding her cheeks. Laying her arms across the wheel she put her head down and sobbed.
He had said the one thing that could and did slice her heart open. She could handle being called ugly, because she knew she wasn’t. But fat. He had referred to her as ‘fat ass’ and that hurt more than anything else he could have said. Anything.
As the tears subsided she tried to convince herself he hadn’t meant it. It was the pain medication, or the wearing off of it, really. Bill would never hurt her so deeply, knowing how sensitive she was about her weight.
Another part of her argued that the pain was only enhancing his real feelings, and he was in the mood to provoke and wound. How well did she really know him? They had been together barely six weeks when the accident had happened, three months ago. The longer part of the relationship was post-accident. Was this the real Bill Regan? Dan insisted it wasn’t, but did Dan know everything about his uncle? Dan had lived in the preserve with Mr. Maypenny, not with Regan, during his teen years. How well did he really know his hot tempered uncle?
Wiping her eyes, Ayla glanced around through the windows. She had no clue where she was. Reaching for her cell phone, she sighed when she saw she had no signal. She couldn’t call Dan for help and she wouldn’t call Regan.
It would be foolish to get out and wander around; she knew the preserve was well stocked with animals, including the occasional catamount. Driving around in the dark wasn’t much better, she’d just sleep in the car and in the morning, try to find her way back. She didn’t have enough gas to risk driving around on the small roads, lost out here.
***
It was Dan who found her as dawn began to light up the sky. He tapped on her window, waking her.
“Hi.” She turned the key and rolled the window down.
“We have to stop meeting like this,” he said cheerfully. She nodded. He added with a wink, “You dames are too predictable, it only took me till sunrise to find you.”
Ayla chuckled.
“Follow me back,” he said quietly. She nodded again and started the engine.
Dan had made coffee at the apartment and they sat sipping it.
“Uncle Bill agreed to their minimum thirty day stay, without self checkout. He’s stuck there until they agree he’s completely clean.”
“I hate that it had to come to this,” she said mournfully. Dan reached and covered her hand with his.
“So do I, but Ayla, it was the only way. You saw firsthand how he was destroying himself. He’s been emotionally abusing you for a couple of months now. It’s too much. He absolutely went too far yesterday.”
Her eyes filled with tears and she pulled her hand away to wipe them. “I hate crying,” she answered. “I feel like all I do is cry over him these days.”
“I know you love him,” Dan said, hating the words as they came out because she would never be his, “but it doesn’t give him the right to treat you the way he has been.”
“I know.” Ayla sipped her coffee. “But Dan, I’ve never loved anyone so much before. It just hurts. I didn’t think love was supposed to hurt like this.”
“It’s not,” Dan answered, his dark eyes on her. “But once he’s clean, you’ll see the old Uncle Bill. And if he’s not smart enough to realize what he’s done, and what he stands to lose, then he’s a freaking idiot and deserves to be alone. You deserve so much better.”
She smiled tearfully at him.
“Thank you, Dan,” she said quietly. “I’m always amazed you don’t have a girlfriend of your own.”
Dan shrugged. “Haven’t found anyone worth keeping,” he replied, trying not to think about the fact that the woman he really wanted was sitting across from him, crying her eyes out. He gave himself a mental shake. He had been struggling all night with the question of did he really want her, or someone who had such a capacity to love? Someone who was so loyal, and just happened to be funny, smart, and sexy?
“Well, she’ll be a lucky girl,” Ayla smiled at him and then stood. “I’m going to head home. I’m exhausted.”
“Don’t worry about Uncle Bill. He can’t have any contact with the outside world for a few weeks, but after that, he may contact you.”
Ayla nodded. “Thanks, Dan. For everything.”
Dan stared after her wistfully as she went to the bedroom to collect her belongings.
***
Ayla slept fitfully. Regan had been gone for over two weeks and she hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep. Scenes of Bela Lugosi and Albert Ingalls screaming as they suffered withdrawals of morphine haunted her dreams. The thought of her beloved Regan suffering like that tore at her heart. He was a big man; would they strap him down to keep him from hurting himself or someone? How would he deal with the pain from the accident that she knew he still experienced? Real or phantom, she worried for her lover.
Would he still be her lover? Another question. Would he come out of rehab still loving her, or would he always view her as betraying him by insisting he go to rehab? He might very well decide they were through, and want nothing to do with her. That thought could reduce her to tears almost instantly.
She was in touch with Dan, but he hadn’t heard from Bill. The first few weeks were the hardest, he kept telling her, offering to come over and keep her company. She declined, wanting to be alone.
Finally, Ayla relented to the calls of her former “friends” and agreed to go to lunch with them. Within minutes she regretted the decision. They wanted details of her private life and she wasn’t about to announce where Regan was. He was out of the country on business, looking at a new breeder’s horses in Canada, she claimed. She knew they didn’t believe her, too many commented on her sad eyes. Any one of them could pry around and find out the truth; though Matthew Wheeler would do all he could to keep it quiet, out of respect for Regan.
She began to work more at the shelter, wearing herself down so that she was so tired at night, she would just soak in the tub and crawl into bed.
She lay soaking in the tub one night, dreaming idly about Regan being with her as they made love in the huge tub. Her legs wrapped around him as he took her in the water-
Pain ripped through her abdomen and her eyes flew open. Squeezing them shut, she gasped in pain, drawing her knees up.
“What the hell,” she whispered. Opening her eyes, she sat up and glanced down, horrified by the pink water that was rapidly turning darker. And the blood was coming from between her legs.
Wracked with pain, she tried to crawl out of the tub. Her period wasn’t due for…she didn’t know, she realized. In fact, she didn’t remember when her last period was. Not long after Regan’s accident, she thought with horror. She had forgotten to take her pills. She had stopped taking the pill sometime soon after the accident. Dear God, she knew what was happening.
Whimpering, she managed to crawl out of the tub, and to her phone, which lay on the sink. Hand shaking, she picked it up and dialed 911.
***
Two days later, Ayla let herself into her apartment. Shutting the door behind her, she looked around. She wondered if the paramedics had drained the tub. She didn’t really remember much after the phone call. The doctor told her later she had gone into shock.
There was a vague memory of a tall paramedic lifting her onto a gurney and lots of voices.
She didn’t remember the D & C, really. Eventually she had come to in the hospital room, where she was treated delicately by the staff. Most of it was blurry, they had kept her medicated.
The paramedics had gotten her purse, but they had wrapped her in her bathrobe, and she couldn’t very well leave in it. Ayla had gotten a volunteer to buy her a sweatsuit from the Wal-Mart across the street, and a pair of sneakers. A cab brought her home.
The hospital had asked who to call, but she said no one. She wouldn’t call her mother, there would be nothing but nasty comments and accusations of irresponsibility and that she was too young to be a grandmother anyway. Her father wouldn’t understand. She had no close girlfriends, and she didn’t want anyone from the shelter, she didn’t really know them all that well. Tom or Celia? That was laughable; they were Regan’s best friends. She had almost called Dan, but he would have told Regan and she wasn’t ready for that. Maybe it would be best if Regan never found out.
Now she shed the newly purchased clothes, searching for her comfortable sweat pants and an old shirt. Showering for a long time in the guest bathroom, she washed her hair and went through the motions of brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed, even though it was 11 in the morning. The tub had been drained, but not cleaned out and she couldn’t bear to look at the stains on the tile. She would call her cleaning service to come that today.
She set the bottle of pain medication on the counter, knowing she was never going to take them. Pain medication in the hospital had been intravenous, but she was never going to touch these pills.
Picking up her phone, she checked her voicemail.
“Ayla, this is Shelby. I got a lead on a house in Sleepyside like you mentioned. Very close to Glen Road-”
Ayla deleted the message. There was no point in listening to the rest of it.
Crawling into her bed, she curled up.
The baby was gone. She hadn’t even realized she was pregnant. She hadn’t been eating much the last few weeks, she was exhausted,had been working too hard at the shelter,no taking breaks, wearing herself down and now her baby was gone.
Regan’s baby. Maybe it was for the better, since he wasn’t currently in her life and might never be again. But she had the money, damn it. She could have easily taken care of it, given the baby everything it might need, except a father. Regan wouldn’t have known.
No, she knew she would have told him at some point. Having been an orphan, he wanted his own family. He had wanted kids. He deserved to at least know.
Slowly, a tear made its way from her eye onto the pillow, then another and finally the dam inside of her broke.
***
Ayla eased herself out of the tub. She had resisted taking a bath the last few weeks, remembering the last time she had been in it. The cleaning service had arrived the afternoon she returned from the hospital, when she insisted she needed someone that day. She had sat on the couch watching TV, not wanting to see the sympathetic stares as the two cleaning women realized what had happened.
But today she was so tired and sore that she drew a bath and threw a handful of perfumed bath salts into the water before stepping in.
Now she dried off slowly, patting her face dry. Blankly, she stared into the mirror, wondering if the hollow eyed, pale woman was really her. Reaching for her scented lotion, she automatically applied it.
Her mind slipped back into the loop it had been running for weeks now, thinking about her lost baby. She had never had a heavy desire for children. For years she hadn’t even considered it, her dating life being close to non-existent.
Until she met Bill Regan; a man she had thought she might have a future with. She had thought about having children with him, having a family and life, something she knew he wanted. She had hoped he wanted it with her.
She had received two letters from him in the last week. Apologies for the way he treated her, declarations of love. No mention of the future, or if he wanted one.
Dan had called her several times, but the conversations were brief. He had been to see Regan a couple of times, and said he looked good, healthy. Regan always asked for her, but Dan wasn’t sure if it’d be good for her to go see him. So she hadn’t. Even if she had gone, Ayla couldn’t guarantee she could keep herself together is she saw him.
She slipped her soft, worn pajamas on, and towel dried her hair. She had cut it off last week, so it skimmed her shoulders. Regan had loved it long but it was just cumbersome now, and he wasn’t here. She had almost cut it shorter, but her stylist talked her out of any drastic, sudden changes. The stylist had commented on the fact Ayla’s hair seemed thinner. Ayla wasn’t about to reveal the shock her body had gone through, and for the last week she had been pulling out clumps of hair when she brushed it. During a checkup, her doctor assured it was normal for the hair to go into a resting phase and fall out after such trauma, and within a few months, would start to grow back in. Ayla hadn’t really cared.
Pulling on her heavier robe even though it wasn’t cold, she walked into the kitchen for hot chocolate. She had made a box of cupcakes, and now they sat on a plate, not even tempting her. Regan’s nickname for her had been Cupcake, and to look at the plate just depressed her.
Standing at the counter, she stared at the frosted treats. Picking one up, she raised it to her lips, but she couldn’t eat it. Anger surged through her and she threw the cupcake across the kitchen, where it hit the refrigerator, splattered frosting, and then fell to the floor. Grabbing the plate, she threw the whole thing at the refrigerator. Frosting spattered across the refrigerator, cake went everywhere and the plate shattered.
She heard the low growling noise and realized it was coming from her. Her hands started to shake as she stared at the chocolate mess she had made. There was humming in her ears, then tapping.
No, not tapping, she thought, knocking. Someone was knocking at the door. AYla gasped for air, trying to calm herself down from the rage that filled her.
The kncking continued. Who the Hell was here at this hour and why?
Puzzled, she walked to the door while breathing deeply to calm herself. She never looked out the peephole, the only people that could get past the front were Regan and Dan. Had Dan stopped by? He had said he was worried about her.
Opening the door, she stared at the tall, broad shouldered man with bright red hair.
“Hi,” Regan said.
Ayla just blinked, startled to find him on her doorstep. He was leaning on a cane, and his jeans and shirt were too big. She realized he had lost weight, and he had shaved recently. The hollowness and circles under his eyes were gone, and he wasn’t so pale. His emerald green eyes were calm and normal. He looked wonderful.
“Hi,” she whispered.
“Can I come in?” he asked.
She nodded, stepping aside to allow him in, closing the door behind him.
He turned to face her and looked beyond her at the kitchen. His green eyes widened when saw the mess.
“Ayla, what’s happened?” he asked. “I just heard-are you all right?”
“Please don’t worry,” she said quietly. “I was just having a moment because I burned the cupcakes.”
Regan stared at her, knowing she was lying by the blank look in her eyes. there was no smell of burn in the air and the cupcakes had been frosted.
Silently, she gestured to him to have a seat. She followed him to the sofa, taking a seat next to him.
“How have you been?” he asked, his eye searching her face.
Dear God, what a question. She shrugged.
“All right, I suppose. Yourself?”
“Good. I’m good.”
There was a long moment of silence.
“Would you like something to drink?” she finally asked.
Regan shook his head and admitted, “I’m more nervous than the first time I ever came over here.”
“Why?” she asked flatly. She wanted him to leave but couldn't ask him to. She had missed him so much but to have him sitting across from her just reopened all the wounds that had been barely held closed.
“Because everything has changed,” he answered, and then words tumbled out. “I’m sorry, Ayla. I’m so sorry. For everything. The way I treated you, the things I said-it was completely unforgivable and I hate that I caused you so much pain.”
His green eyes were earnest, full of pain and self torment.
“It’s all right,” she said hollowly.
“No, it’s not,” he answered earnestly, his emerald eyes fixed on her. “I was a total asshole to you, and you deserve so much better. I don’t know what to say, other than I’m so sorry. I never should have spoken to you the way I did, especially-that last day.”
Ayla nodded. “Apology accepted.”
Regan just studied her. She was pale, she had lost some weight. And her hair. Her beautiful long hair was now barely at her shoulders, and he’d swear it looked thinner. Her eyes were dead though, he realized. Had he done that? Had he caused her light to die?
“I was hoping,” he began softly, “that we can try again. Try to find our way back to each other. I know I’ve hurt you deeply, and if you say no, I’ll have to accept that, but Ayla, I still love you. I never stopped loving you. In rehab, you were all I thought about. The way I treated you-it makes me sick to think about it. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, and I want to try again, if you'll have me.”
Ayla didn’t answer as she half listened. She knew he was being sincere. She could read it in his face. Regan had never been good at lying, even Dan had laughed about it once.
“If you need time, I understand that too,” he said.
She shook her head. “You may want to rescind that offer when you hear what I’m about to tell you,” she said quietly.
Regan felt his heart speed up. She had met someone else. He couldn’t blame her. He had been gone over a month. She was smart, beautiful, sexy…of course someone else had come along and swept her off her feet.
“There’s someone else,” he said.
She shook her head, tears welling in her eyes as she wondered if she’d ever stop crying.
“What is it? Cupcake, please, I can’t bear the pain on your face.” He took her hand, but she pulled it away.
“Remember the first time we made love, after the accident? The day Joan was there?” She wasn’t looking at him, she was looking away.
Regan had to smile. “Of course. I wanted, needed you so badly. We were on fire that day, for each other.”
“I got pregnant.”
Regan’s expression changed, from a smile to disbelief as the words sunk in, and then he started to smile again.
“You’re pregnant? Cupcake, we’re having a baby? Have you been to a doctor? When?” he demanded excitedly.
“I lost it,” she whispered, a tear sliding from her eye.
His face fell, and he began to understand to her state of withdrawal and the sadness that clung to her. “When?” he asked again, quietly this time.
“Three weeks ago,” she said numbly. “I was here. I was in the bath…and there was so much blood…and the pain…God the pain…the water turned red…”
Regan pulled her to him, holding her tightly, her head against his neck so he could feel the softness of her hair. She had lost their baby. And no one told him.
“Did you know beforehand?” he asked.
“No,” was the murmured reply. “We had gone so long without sex at that point that I forgot to take my pill, and I never refilled my prescription. I just…forgot. I never even thought about protection because I wanted you so badly I lost my head.”
“I’m so sorry, Cupcake,” he whispered, kissing the top of her head. “I should have been here with you. I’m so sorry.”
It felt so good to be in his arms again, she thought. Tears leaked from her eyes onto his shirt as his arms held her, his cologne filling her nose, the gentle stroking of her hair.
“Was anyone with you?” he asked.
“No. There was no one to call.”
“Oh, Ayla,” he murmured. “Why didn’t you call Dan?”
“He would have told you” was the quiet reply.
She wasn’t going to tell him? That cut deep, and he felt the pain in his chest that she would hide something so huge.
“I knew he’d go right to you,” she continued. “I needed to be able to tell you in my own time, when I was ready. And I didn’t know when you’d be back.”
That soothed him only slightly. At least she hadn’t planned to keep it a secret. That, he couldn't bear the thought of.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “Did the doctors say what happened?”
“Emotional trauma, working my body too hard,” she replied. “They asked if I had had any upsets or stress. Miscarriages can take several days to fully complete, and when I told them about your problems, they agreed the strain might be a factor, in addition to me just working too much at the shelter.”
Not only had he cut her heart open, he had killed their child, Regan realized.
“I think it’s just a sign that it wasn’t meant to be,” Ayla said softly.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “It’s my fault, Ayla, I never should have treated you the way I did. I hurt you and our baby-I’m so sorry.” He moved her so he could look into her tear filled eyes. “I’ve caused you so much pain and I don’t know how to even begin to make it right.”
“I don’t either,” she said.
Regan hated the hollow look in her eyes. He took her hand and kissed it. “Please don’t shut me out, Ayla. Please. It was my child too. Let me mourn with you.”
Ayla stared into his green eyes, feeling something stir in her for the first time in weeks.
“I swear to you,” he continued in earnest, “I’m clean. And sober. And I don’t ever want to take anything again, even an aspirin. I want my life back, Ayla, and that includes you. I need you, I need to love you, and know you can rely on me.”
“We can’t just go back,” she murmured.
“Then let’s start over,” he suggested. “Please.”
She gazed at him, imaging what he looked like as a little boy, and if the child they had lost would have resembled him.
“If they knew the gender,they didn't tell me,” she said vaguely, unaware of the tears filling her eyes.
Regan held her close, cradling her as her tears soaked his shirt.
They sat together for a long time as she wept, his arms around, her body curled up next to his.
After her tears had stopped, he thought she had fallen asleep, she was so quiet. Finally she stirred, and sat up.
“I didn’t mean to go to pieces,” she murmured.
His heart ached as he read her pain. He understood now the plate smashing he arrived after. She had needed to let the pain out.
“Don’t you dare apologize,” he said firmly. “I’d be worried if you didn’t. I’m just sorry you went through it alone.”
Ayla nodded, having no words.
Regan glanced at the clock. “I should probably go. I’m sure you need to rest.”
Ayla just nodded again. Regan got up, leaning on his cane as he did so, and started towards the door. He had almost reached it when she said his name.
“Yes, Cupcake?” he turned, hoping hard.
She was standing next to the sofa, looking like a lost little girl.
“Will you stay with me?” she asked. “I don’t want to be alone again tonight.”
“Of course,” he walked towards her and she held out her hand. He took it gently. His recovery wasn’t the only thing that needed some more time. Bill Regan prayed that in time, they’d find their way back together.
Author's Notes
- It's not over yet!
- A big thank you to my editors Mary, and an even bigger thank you to Ronda, for bailing me out yet again.
-Word Count, 5,710
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